By Suzie Doscher
Being subjected to passive aggressive behaviour from anybody -- be this in a shop, at home, in school or at work -- can be not only confusing, but also hurtful and uncomfortable.
Frequently this behaviour and manner of speaking come from someone who has not learned how to express emotions, let alone negative ones. Instead of being in touch with their feelings, they redirect these emotions in a passive aggressive manner. Usually the person is not even aware of it.
Obviously this is a generalization and in no way should be thought of as the truth for everybody who behaves passive aggressively. Sometimes people are just having a bad day and letting it out with inconsiderate and disrespectful manners.
Common characteristics of passive aggressive people: ...click 'read more'
Good advice from Laura Berman Fortgang
I have no tax advice for you. Nothing you should do to your lawn before the next season hits. Nor do I have anything to say about your frequent flier miles or doctor visits and insurance deductibles.
I DO however, have three must-do’s that will help you walk into a new year with more energy, peace, and hope.
REPAIR a Relationship
Nobody is perfect. Maybe there is someone you are on the outs with or someone who is holding a grudge against you. There is no better time than the present to address it. Think of the possibilities of a new year without the stress or aggravation of this energy drain.
Perhaps there is such a relationship, but a heart to heart is just not possible. In that case, forgiveness is the only option. Whether you can speak to the person about it or not, work on forgiving what they did to you. If they are mad about something you did, forgive them for withholding their friendship, love, or approval of you.
People behave within the limits of their own growth and experience. Forgive and move on.
Do it for yourself, not for them. ...Click 'Read More' for the other two things...
by Suzie Doscher
Learning how to respond to a situation rather than reacting brings huge rewards. Needless to say, it is one of those behaviour changes that are easier said than done. However, it can be achieved.
Being able to respond to /act upon means you are in a mindful place - a place where you are aware of your thoughts and feelings. This means you have considered the situation and the response that best suits you.
To be able to 'respond' means you are choosing your behaviour .
To 'react' indicates that a button has been pushed – something triggered you not to take the time to think and consider your response. This can often leave you in a position at the mercy of others. ...Click 'Read More' below
By Suzie Doscher
Being subjected to passive aggressive behaviour from anybody, could be in a shop, at home, in school or at work can be not only confusing, but also hurtful and uncomfortable.
Frequently passive-aggressive behaviour and manner of speaking come from someone who has not learned how to express emotions, let alone negative ones. Instead of being in touch with their feelings, they redirect these emotions in a passive-aggressive manner. Sometimes the person is not even aware of this.
Obviously this is a generalization and in no way should be thought of as the truth for everybody who behaves passive-aggressively. Sometimes people are just having a bad day and letting it out with inconsiderate and disrespectful manners.
Common characteristics of passive-aggressive people:
Many cultures teach from a young age to suppress negative feelings, some even encourage to suppress all feelings and hide behind extreme politeness! Think of the famous 'stiff upper lip.' Not allowing your feelings to surface, as well as not expressing emotions. can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour. We are emotional beings -- we all have emotions, even if we do not always like what we are feeling.
Here are some helpful tips to deal with passive-aggressive people:
Reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. It is not your responsibility to help or change the person. Focus on what you can influence -- your reaction.
If you have no choice but to interact on a regular basis with the person, attempt to put a stop to potentially damaging patterns as soon as possible. Tolerating passive-aggressive behaviour will only encourage it to continue.
Negative emotions leading to passive-aggressive behaviour are in fact the ones offering an opportunity to grow and change. If you find yourself behaving a little passive- aggressive yourself, see it as an opportunity to grow. This is a time when you can engage a life coach, a good book or the wisdom of a close friend.
In conclusion, although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are actions you can take to not allow this behaviour to drain you.
by Suzie Doscher
Based on my professional and personal experiences relating to Personal Growth and Development, I have found that there are a number of issues everybody faces at one point or another. Becoming aware of and acquiring the life skill to handle them makes a huge difference to the quality of your day-to-day life. Having certain life skills and knowing when to reach for one, can be compared to knowing that the toothbrush is used to clean your teeth.
If you want to be more selective about what you say 'yes' to, it means learning how to say 'no.' By choosing to behave differently, together with practice and repetition, the brain will rewire itself. Neuroscience has proven this. For a more balanced and consequently better quality of life, it is worth finding out which life skills your 'tool kit' needs to acquire in order to upgrade.
Also, know that maintenance of life skills is of the utmost importance. Just because you took one bath, does not mean you never have to take another one!
In my coaching practice, I like to take care of the 'housekeeping' before my client and I focus on achieving their coaching goal. By 'housekeeping' I mean finding out if certain skills are already in place or need exploring, upgrading or acquiring.
To name a few:
by Suzie Doscher
Learning how to respond to a situation rather than reacting brings huge rewards. Needless to say, it is one of those behaviour changes that are easier said than done. However it can be achieved.
Being able to respond to /act upon means you are in a mindful place - a place where you are aware of your thoughts and feelings. This means you have considered the situation and the response that best suits you.
'Responding' rather than 'reacting' means you are choosing your behaviour. To 'react' indicates that a button has been pushed – something triggered you not to take the time to think and consider your response. This can often leave you in a position at the mercy of others.
Some of the benefits by stopping the knee-jerk type reactions are:
Different kinds of 'reactions'
Many reactions come from your upbringing, experiences, assumptions and beliefs that are limiting. One of the responsibilities of being an adult is to recognize that you have the power to change. Introspection, personal growth and personal development work will help give you a better understanding of where triggers might come from and specifically what might set them off.
With the support and encouragement of a coach or other professional to decondition yourself from habitual reactions to people and situations. 'Debugging and reprogramming our software' is a wonderful gift to yourself.
8 Suggestions to help you learn how to stop reacting and start responding / acting:
"Life is 10% what happens to you and
90% how you react to it"
Charles R. Swindoll
Great leadership requires stamina, grit, focus, and discipline. Are you doing what you need to be your best?
By Marissa Levin
Founder and CEO, Successful Culture@marissalevin
A CEO client is over-extended, has too many priorities to juggle, and is simultaneously hyper-stressed and hyper-exhausted. Actually this describes many of my clients. Does this sound like you too?
Friends, this is no way to go through life. As someone who has dodged two cancer bullets while building two businesses and raising two sons, I have a very healthy respect for mortality, along with the insight that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
During our call this week, my client shared her anxiety about getting everything accomplished, and that she has made no time to exercise or decompress in several days. She is on a non-stop treadmill.
Priority 1: Self-Care
She presented many business challenges, but I cut to the chase, and addressed the most dangerous threat to her business welfare: her own self care. It is highly likely the treadmill won't stop. This is the precise reason she must make her own care a priority.
Leadership is a tough gig. If you want to show up 100% every day for your employees and your customers, self-care is non-negotiable.
Every day, without fail, your personal well-being must be on your calendar. As is often the case with entrepreneurs and type-A leaders, you may believe that if you can't give 120% to an endeavor, then it is not worth doing it all. This thinking is flawed.
Any amount of self-care matters.
If you typically do a 60-minute morning workout, but on some mornings your only option is to skip it or to do a shorter workout, then opt for the shorter workout. You do this to safeguard your sacred self-time, to maintain a consistent habit, and to protect your health.
Skipping one workout in a disciplined routine matters. When you skip, you interrupt the habit. Skipping once leads to a likelihood you will skip again. Every decision to show up or to not show up matters. This is a mindset you can't compromise.
If you can't make it to a gym, you can create your own home routine. There are dozens of fitness apps to lead you through floor-work workouts, and countless running and walking apps. There is virtually no excuse today to skip a daily workout.
If you prefer meditation and yoga over exercise to alleviate stress, again there is no excuse to skip. There are meditation apps to lead you through yoga poses and breathing exercises that take less than 15 minutes. Surely you can find 15 minutes to care for yourself during an overwhelming day.
Your self-care and self-appreciation is one of the most important aspects of your success. There is no room for long-term self-sacrifice or self-deprecation in leadership.
If you don't take care of you, who will?
Priority 2: Time Management
In addition to adapting a slightly inflexible and highly protective perspective regarding self-care, leaders have to be equally vigilant regarding time management habits.
In my work with my clients, I ask them to complete a worksheet that prioritizes obligations according to these topics:
In addition, I ask my clients to make an effort to single-task. Multi-tasking compromises the quality of the work, slows down productivity, and increases stress.
There are several other time management strategies that you can apply, including:
We own our time. We own our energy.
We own the current state of our physical and emotional well-being.
If you are turning over this ownership to anyone else, isn't it time you stopped?
Dr. Travis Bradberry Author of #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and president of TalentSmart, world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence.
Toxic people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.
As important as it is to learn how to deal with different kinds of people, truly toxic people will never be worth your time and energy—and they take a lot of each. Toxic people create unnecessary complexity, strife, and, worst of all, stress.
“People inspire you, or they drain you—pick them wisely.”
- Hans F. Hansen
The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to use emotional intelligence to identify toxic people and keep them at bay.
It’s often said that you’re the product of the five people you spend the most time with. If you allow even one of those five people to be toxic, you’ll soon find out how capable he or she is of holding you back.
You can’t hope to distance yourself from toxic people until you first know who they are. The trick is to separate those who are annoying or simply difficult from those who are truly toxic. What follows are ten types of toxic drainers that you should stay away from at all costs so that you don’t become one yourself.
1. The Gossip
“Great minds discuss ideas, average ones discuss events, and small minds discuss people.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
Gossipers derive pleasure from other people’s misfortunes. It might be fun to peer into somebody else’s personal or professional faux pas at first, but over time, it gets tiring, makes you feel gross, and hurts other people. There are too many positives out there and too much to learn from interesting people to waste your time talking about the misfortune of others.
2. The Temperamental
Some people have absolutely no control over their emotions. They will lash out at you and project their feelings onto you, all the while thinking that you’re the one causing their malaise. Temperamental people are tough to dump from your life because their lack of control over their emotions makes you feel bad for them. When push comes to shove though, temperamental people will use you as their emotional toilet and should be avoided at all costs.
3. The Victim
Victims are tough to identify because you initially empathize with their problems. But as time passes, you begin to realize that their “time of need” is all the time. Victims actively push away any personal responsibility by making every speed bump they encounter into an uncrossable mountain. They don’t see tough times as opportunities to learn and grow from; instead, they see them as an out. There’s an old saying: “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.” It perfectly captures the toxicity of the victim, who chooses to suffer every time.
4. The Self-Absorbed
Self-absorbed people bring you down through the impassionate distance they maintain from other people. You can usually tell when you’re hanging around self-absorbed people because you start to feel completely alone. This happens because as far as they’re concerned, there’s no point in having a real connection between them and anyone else. You’re merely a tool used to build their self-esteem.
5. The Envious
To envious people, the grass is always greener somewhere else. Even when something great happens to envious people, they don’t derive any satisfaction from it. This is because they measure their fortune against the world’s when they should be deriving their satisfaction from within. And let’s face it, there’s always someone out there who’s doing better if you look hard enough. Spending too much time around envious people is dangerous because they teach you to trivialize your own accomplishments.
6. The Manipulator
Manipulators suck time and energy out of your life under the façade of friendship. They can be tricky to deal with because they treat you like a friend. They know what you like, what makes you happy, and what you think is funny, but the difference is that they use this information as part of a hidden agenda. Manipulators always want something from you, and if you look back on your relationships with them, it’s all take, take, take, with little or no giving. They’ll do anything to win you over just so they can work you over.
7. The Dementor
In J. K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter” series, Dementors are evil creatures that suck people’s souls out of their bodies, leaving them merely as shells of humans. Whenever a Dementor enters the room, it goes dark, people get cold, and they begin to recall their worst memories. Rowling said that she developed the concept for Dementors based on highly negative people—the kind of people who have the ability to walk into a room and instantly suck the life out of it.
Dementors suck the life out of the room by imposing their negativity and pessimism upon everyone they encounter. Their viewpoints are always glass half empty, and they can inject fear and concern into even the most benign situations. A Notre Dame University study found that students assigned to roommates who thought negatively were far more likely to develop negative thinking and even depression themselves.
8. The Twisted
There are certain toxic people who have bad intentions, deriving deep satisfaction from the pain and misery of others. They are either out to hurt you, to make you feel bad, or to get something from you; otherwise, they have no interest in you. The only good thing about this type is that you can spot their intentions quickly, which makes it that much faster to get them out of your life.
9. The Judgmental
Judgmental people are quick to tell you exactly what is and isn’t cool. They have a way of taking the thing you’re most passionate about and making you feel terrible about it. Instead of appreciating and learning from people who are different from them, judgmental people look down on others. Judgmental people stifle your desire to be a passionate, expressive person, so you’re best off cutting them out and being yourself.
10. The Arrogant
Arrogant people are a waste of your time because they see everything you do as a personal challenge. Arrogance is false confidence, and it always masks major insecurities. A University of Akron study found that arrogance is correlated with a slew of problems in the workplace. Arrogant people tend to be lower performers, more disagreeable, and have more cognitive problems than the average person.
How to Protect Yourself Once You Spot ‘Em
Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it—their behavior truly goes against reason, so why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?
The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally, and approach your interactions with them like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink if you prefer that analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine, and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Most people feel as though because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve identified a toxic person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when and where you don’t. You can establish boundaries, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you’re bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to cross them, which they will.
For some support on exactly how to deal with toxic people - Get in touch with The Coaching Group of Switzerland
A brilliant talk by Simon Sinek explaining how to lead Millenials in a world where it is said that they cannot be lead!
Empathy is the most important leadership skill! Wise words and very true. Learning how to have empathy and be there for your team members with empathy is key to success, not only success in business but equally success in life.
Watch this wonderful talk when you have the 30 minutes to do so.
Comment by Suzie Doscher:
By Martin / Cleverism
There are several measures that have been proven to improve one’s Emotional Quotient once adhered to. These measures are:
Reduction of Negative Emotions
This is perhaps the most important aspect of EQ. This is because it is paramount that one be in control of their emotions in order to ensure that they do not affect their judgment. In order for an individual to be in a position to change how they feel about a certain situation, they must first be able to change how they think about it.
Reduction of negative emotions begins with the Reduction of Negative Embodiments. This refers to situations where one feels adversely towards another person or their actions. In such a situation, it is important to avoid negative conclusions in your mind as much as possible. Rather, practice the art of viewing a situation through multiple dimensions prior to reacting to it.
For example, it may be tempting to conclude that a certain colleague failed to return my phone call because they are ignoring me but it would be better to conclude that they are caught up and they will phone back whenever they can. When one avoids taking other people’s actions personally, they are able to look at those actions from an objective point of view. Note that people’s actions are inspired by their own selves more than they are by us; this perception widens your perspective and reduces the possibility and occurrence of misunderstandings.
Additionally, Reducing Fear of Rejection drives away negative emotions and boosts your EQ. One sure way to reduce fear of rejection is by availing multiple options for yourself in crucial situations. This is to ensure that no matter what the outcome may be, there are equally strong options at your disposal. This will eliminate any negative emotions such as anxiety or depression.
For example, if you are applying for a dream job, apply in numerous different organizations; therefore, if one does not work out, the other options may still be open to you, hence relieving you of a lot of angst.
Staying Calm and Managing StressWe all experience stress, be it at different levels. How you handle stressful scenarios is what determines whether you are an assertive or a reactive person; a poised or an unstable person. When under any kind of pressure, your most important asset is your ability to keep a level head.
EQ is the ability to stay calm while handling extremely stressful situations. There are various practices that can be employed to keep yourself calm, for example, avoiding caffeinated beverages that may heighten your nervousness; instead, maintaining a cool temperature around yourself may be far more effective in reducing one’s anxiety or nervousness.
In addition, exercise is a great stress reliever and helps reduce your physical tension, energizes you, keeps you collected, and enables you to deal with stressful situations in the calmest way possible; thereby boosting your EQ in the process.
Remaining Assertive and Expressing Difficult Emotions
As much as it is good to get along with the people we interact with, to develop healthy emotional quotient, you also need to be assertive and expressive and be able to set appropriate boundaries in order for people to understand where you stand in when you encounter one another.
This entails exercising your right to disagree without necessarily being disagreeable, or being able to say ‘no’ where appropriate without having to feel guilty. Boosting EQ demands that one set their own priorities and protecting oneself from any forms of duress or harm.
As an additional pointer; when being assertive, it is important to avoid framing statements in such a way that they come off as accusations or judgments because they automatically put the recipient on the defensive, which may result in an unnecessary altercation.
Each individual, no matter how socially inept, has at least one person that they have given they trust and who almost understands them as intimately as they understand themselves.
In scenarios that are stressful, and in situations where you feel overwhelmed by the pressure, it helps to reach out to that individual and ask for a perspective beyond your own; an objective perspective.
This activity will eventually train you to handle situations in an objective manner, hence boosting your emotional quotient even without your awareness.
Constantly trying to handle stressful situations on your own is not independence, it is limiting. It leads to a situation where you are never open to other approaches but your own; therefore, hampering any form of growth in your EQ. Often, all it takes is an external opinion to work through a scenario that is ongoing in your mind.
Bouncing Back from Adversity
Understand that life is not necessarily easy; at least not all the time, and how we choose to feel or act in response to life’s challenges can makes all the difference between optimism and frustration; hope and despair; victory and defeat. It is important that you look at every situation, especially the negative ones, as a learning experience. Ask yourself, “How can I do better?” “What have I Learnt?” In the immortal words of Thomas Edison, “I have not failed; I have found ten thousand ways that do not work.” Thomas A. Edison went on to invent the light bulb. Adopting this perception on life is one of the strongest ways to boost your EQ and go on to live a successful and fulfilling life.
Develop a Genuine Interest in the People around You
Another way to boost your emotional quotient is by learning to develop a genuine and keen interest in the people and the world around you.
For example, in a work environment you should not only strive to learn the names of everyone you interact with but reach out to them and strive to learn as much as possible about them. It is proven that there is a satisfaction or fulfillment that human beings draw from establishing meaningful connectionsand relationships with others.
Showing genuinely friendly interest in the lives of colleagues or associates is not only advantageous to you but to them too. When you reach out to people, they feel valued as human beings and not mere cogs in a machine.
The kind of fulfillment drawn from making such a connection or relationship, therefore, is experienced by two parties and can act as a stress reliever, drive away any feelings of anxiousness or depression, improve productivity, and ultimately boost EQ levels.
IN A NUTSHELL
Our ability to use reasonably soft skills and approaches in situations boosts our Emotional Quotient (EQ). In turn, this boost in EQ enables us to handle future situations in a better, healthier, and mature manner. EQ is a sense of internal balance that enables you to keep your composure, make the right decisions, and communicate successfully even when under stress. EQ is a major determinant of the quality of the life that you live as well as your likelihood for success in both your career and personal life. For this reason, it is imperative that you understand emotional quotient intimately as well as the various ways in which we can boost it constantly.
Emotional Quotient can be said to be the best predictor of performance in any workplace situation, the determinant of effective leadership, and individual excellence. When our EQ is effectively increased and applied, we realize our ability to cultivate more solid relationships both personally and in the business arena. Relationships, and more specifically their quality, are a colossal determinant of the success of any endeavor we delve in and the reality is; relationships cannot be avoided, there is no way around them. In order to ensure that we have the highest quality relationships and, therefore, the best shot at all-round success we need to constantly boost our Emotional Quotient.
Image credit: Wikimedia Commons | Gert Germeraad under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.