Coaching Blog
The Coaching Group Of Switzerland

By Suzie Doscher
When you find yourself feeling sensitive or getting upset with someone's behaviour towards you, it is safe to assume that one of our "buttons" has been pushed. At this point it is good to remind yourself that you cannot control how other people behave, but you CAN control how you react. Feeling affected by what other people do or say happens to everybody. Getting too upset or bothered about it drains your energy. This is a fairly normal human reaction. It is difficult not to react when someone has pushed one of your buttons.

If you can recognize and accept in the moment that your peace of mind has been disturbed, you can then focus your efforts on returning to a better frame of mind.

Always remember that your Number One Goal is to regain your peace of mind. The negative feelings or emotions that surface will pass like a wave, if you will allow them to move through. You can take a couple deep breaths, exhaling the bad vibe, then visualise putting the negative feelings in a boat and watching it drift away from you.

Commit to restoring your balance and then do whatever it takes.

11 Steps You Can Take When Someone Has Pushed Your Buttons:

1.     Acknowledge that, for whatever reason, you are feeling upset. It is okay to feel this way, do not deny yourself these feelings.

2.     Assess what, if anything, you can do right now to help yourself.

3.     Do you need some time out? Walk away for a couple of minutes?

4.     Take a couple of deep breathes and let go of the negative emotions with each exhale.

5.     You may need to say something that sets a boundary or expresses what you need.

6.     Consider your response options and make sure you are ACTING not REACTING.

7.     Make a mental list of your options.

8.     Decide which one of these options feels best and would help you the most right now.

9.     Decide what do you need to do next to follow through with the option you chose.

10.  Proceed slowly. Remember that there may be nothing to do right now.

11.  Appreciate that you have helped yourself find balance again.

The bottom line is that you want to endeavour to act, not react.

Should you find yourself in the company of someone who continually makes you lose your balance, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself, "Is this a person with whom I really want to continue spending time?" If the answer is no, figure out a compassionate way to disengage.

By Susan Begeman Steiner

Communication, true communication, is almost impossible in the best of circumstances. It takes a ‘perfect storm’ to bring together these three necessary things:

• Your clear, concise message

• The other person’s receptivity & ability to listen

• Timing

The obstacles are many. They include faulty listening filters, cultural differences, stress & hurry, moods, and – a big one -- not being sure yourself exactly what you want to communicate. How, then, is true communication possible?

Start with the main Ingredient: RESPECT.

Definition of respect: Esteem & admiration, an act of giving particular attention, willingness to show consideration or appreciation

Respect leads to the possibility of actually getting your message across by opening up the other person’s receptivity and ability to listen. In fact, if you respect the other person, you will have a natural connection with her. Your message will automatically become clearer, she will be more open to what you have to say and you will sense when the right time to talk to her is.

If you truly want to communicate with someone and do not have much respect for him, you can look deeper for what you CAN genuinely respect about him. To find respect, you first have to let go of assumptions, judgments, negativity and drama. These things kill respect and letting go of them is worth practicing.

Maybe he’s a lousy boss, but a good father, skilled businessman or powerful negotiator. Once you find the respect, you can connect with him. This is not manipulation, but truly the art of connecting with another person. Warning: If you are not genuine, your communication will fall short. Guaranteed.

You can influence the ‘perfect storm’ necessary for true communication with respect. It is ‘sweeter than honey,’ sings Aretha Franklin in the Otis Redding song, “Respect.” And it is worth finding. The other person becomes better and so do you. 

Excerpts from Harvard Business Review Blog by Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic.

Who wouldn’t want a higher level of emotional intelligence? Studies have shown that a high emotional quotient (or EQ) boosts career success, entrepreneurial potential, leadership talent, health, relationship satisfaction, humor, and happiness. It is also the best antidote to work stress and it matters in every job – because all jobs involve dealing with people, and people with higher EQ are more rewarding to deal with.

Most coaching enhances some aspects of EQ, usually under the name of social, interpersonal, or soft skills training. The underlying reasoning is that, whereas IQ is very hard to change, EQ can increase with deliberate practice and training.

Key points to consider:

 Your level of EQ is firm, but not rigid. Our ability to identify and manage our own and others' emotions is fairly stable over time, influenced by our early childhood experiences and even genetics. That does not mean we cannot change it, but, realistically, long-term improvements will require a great deal of dedication and guidance. However, no human behavior is unchangeable.

Good coaching programs do work. Various meta-analyses suggest the most coachable element of EQ is interpersonal skills - Research also shows that the benefits of EQ-coaching are not just confined to the workplace – they produce higher levels of happiness, mental and physical health, improved social and marital relationships, and decreases levels of cortisol (the stress hormone).

You can improve if you get accurate feedback. While many ingredients are required for a good coaching program, the most important aspect of effective EQ-coaching is giving people accurate feedback. Most of us are generally unaware of how others see us – and this especially true for managers.

It is a well-documented fact that, in any domain of competence, most people think they are better than they actually are. Thus any intervention focused on increasing EQ must begin by helping people understand what their real strengths and weaknesses are.

Many employee engagement surveys, such as Gallup’s and Sirota’s, have shown that managers are the major cause of employee disengagement and stress, and disengagement and stress have been shown to be major inhibitors of productivity and retention. In line, the American Institute of Stress reports that stress is the main cause underlying 40% of workplace turnovers and 80% of work related injuries. Although EQ-coaching will not solve these problems, it may alleviate the symptoms for both managers and employees.

So, with or without a coach, working on your EQ does pay off.

You will enjoy the benefits and rewards of increasing your Emotional Intelligence not only at work but also in your day to day personal life.