Coaching Blog
The Coaching Group Of Switzerland

by Suzie Doscher, 
an excerpt from BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments'

Next time you catch yourself judging someone, stop and think what you might be feeling uncomfortable about and what you might be losing by judging someone too quickly.

Ask yourself these questions if you wish to start moving away from the behaviour pattern of being judgemental:

• What triggered this judgemental behaviour in me? What just happened that made me react with judgement?
  
• What exactly did the person say or do, not say or not do?
  
• What, if anything, am I assuming about this person or this situation?
  
• Is my assumption stopping me from being understanding and open-hearted?
  
• Might there be another way to look at this?
  
• What might some of these other points of view be?
  
• What will happen if I do not manage to change my judgement of this person?
  
• How would that affect me?
  
• What is the best thing for me to do now? Think of your choices, make one, and,
  
• Go ahead and take that action.
  

Not passing judgement, however, requires awareness of yourself, your thoughts, and  behaviour patterns. Pay some attention over the course of a day to what your thoughts are and where they take you. Give it 24 hours to observe yourself. With increased awareness you will reach a point when you can stop yourself being judgemental. You will feel better about yourself and how you have opened your heart a little more.

Reposted with permission from Carol Ross by Susan Begeman Steiner

Six years ago, I presented a teleseminar series on networking, called Networking Naturally.  My alma mater, Northwestern University agreed to sponsor the series. 350 professionals signed up in two weeks.  To be honest, I made it up as I went along. While I was successful at networking and had written about it, I had never taught others how to network.  I went on to teach over 2000 professionals in 20 countries how to network, with more ease and joy.  Yes, joy, for even the shyest of introverts. Photo by Kathleen Tyler Conklin

I developed a set of principles around networking, which allowed people to be more of themselves, while being more effective in connecting with others. These principles are as relevant today as they were in 2009, at the depth of the Great Recession.

Since then, I’ve learned and experienced more about networking. Here’s what I know now:

• We are better together than we are alone.  I’ve been blessed with many wonderful people in my life. A few years ago, I realized that it was up to me to make even more of those relationships that I really enjoy. Today, I have regular calls with smart, kindred spirits who lift me up, give me counsel when I need it, and share new ideas. And I do the same for them. I have people who I meet with on a weekly, monthly, and quarterly basis, not for any specifically predetermined purpose. I trust that whatever I am ready to give and receive will emerge during the conversation.  Sometimes, I do reach out to others, specifically for a purpose, and that’s okay, too.
• Your network reflects where you are in your spiritual journey.  I’ve grown a lot since 2009, mainly through the graces of going through hard times and coming out the other end, with strength, wholeness, and compassion.  The people I attract today–as clients, collaborators, and friends–are different from who I attracted six years ago or even three years ago, because I have changed.
• It’s okay to let go of those people who are no longer a fit for who you are.  This can be disconcerting for some. You might even feel disloyal.  And when I have done the inner work to bless others who I am letting go, miracles occur.  True happiness is found in aligning your external life with your new found internal world.

• Be the person who reaches out, steps up, and shows up.  I developed a model which I call the Network Maturity Model.  It shows the progression of creating mutually beneficial relationships, where each step along the way requires a different set of skills and mindset:
  • Purely transactional. (“I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.”)
  • Relationship builder. (“I’m in this for the longer haul, without any expectation of what I will receive.”)
  • Relationship hub. (“Let me introduce you to John.”)
  • Community builder.  (“Who is up for a meetup in San Francisco next month?”)
• People are hungry for community and belonging. In the Networking Maturity Model, one of the greatest places of joy for me is as a community builder.  Since 2009, I have organized dozens of in-person meetups (a gathering at TEDxMileHigh in Denver, dinners in Chicago, lunch in Atlanta) and virtual gatherings with sparkly names like Summer Solstice Party, Campfire Conversations, and Brilliant Conversations.  Always, I am filled with gratitude when I experience the magic of many-to-many connections and a community forms.  Belonging is a primal need for human beings.
• It’s not only important to be a good giver, but also a good receiver.  Many of you have heard met talk about “giving first, before asking for anything.”  For some, the giving is easy. It’s the asking/receiving that can be hard.  After experiencing burnout in 2011, I now know that giving and receiving must be balanced in order to be a sustainable cycle.  Recently, I reached out to friends on behalf of my two sons, away at school. One was in search of a room to rent for the summer in Atlanta, where he has a job the university he attends. The other is in job search, for a permanent job when he graduates next month.  With the former, my network came up with leads in less than 24 hours (most of which I’m pretty sure had not been posted on Craigslist, where my son had been looking).  With the latter, a friend who helps job seekers for a living responded to my request for help on my son’s resume with the following, “I am happy to do that. Glad you asked. What a great way to thank you for your support over the years!” My friend articulated something that I had forgotten–when I am willing to receive, someone else is experiencing the joy of giving.

• Networking has given me much over the years. As I get older, I see that there’s so much more that’s available to each of us, when networking becomes not just a way to further our careers, but a means of bettering our lives.

by Suzie Doscher

Imagine turning 18, or whatever age the officials deem is the age of entering adulthood, and staying exactly as you were then. Nothing really changes; your behaviour, beliefs, wisdom, knowledge etc. remain that of an 18 year old. Believing we no longer change or grow once we have reached 'maturity' is one way to look at life. Seems more like a nightmare to me...

The other way of looking at life is that we never stop growing, developing and learning, which of course means changing. In my opinion this is the healthier option. I would hate to still be approaching life and its lessons as the 18 years old Suzie. With each step you take on the path of personal growth things will change therefore you will experience life differently. Life and all it encompasses changes all the time, sometimes almost daily. It is exciting and rewarding to grow, develop and change.

Here are some steps to consider on the road of personal development:

1. Know yourself. If you do not already know who you are, find out.
2. Change what you do not like; accept what you cannot change.
3. If you do not know what makes you feel fulfilled figure it out.
4. Filter through the people in your life, lose the "Energy Vampires", keep the people that allow you to be yourself and the ones that energize you.
5. Be true to yourself, your integrity and your personal code of ethics.
6. Remember, all life lessons are here to teach you something. Sometimes it is to find out what you do not want, or no longer want.
7. Never be afraid to ask for support, it makes you stronger.
8. It is never too late to grow and develop as a person.
9. Above all, know and understand that life can be improved, if only with the smallest of steps, but one by one you will get to where you want to be.

"Your vision will become clear, only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." Carl Jung

By Suzie Doscher

Henry Ford so wisely stated: "If you believe you can, or cannot - you are right." In other words if you believe something to be true, then it is your truth. If you believe you cannot do something ... you cannot and therefore will most probably will not even try to find a way to do it. If  however you believe you can figure something out ... most probably you will find a way. Your beliefs can be negative or positive, therefore they can limit or empower you.

Not Quite the Person You Want to Be (but know you are inside)

If you are not quite 'the person you want to be', then it pays off to find out if it is a thought (belief) that is holding you back. The thought could be anything from 'I do not know how', 'I do not have any support', 'I do not know where to start', 'I am uncertain about this,' etc.

Beliefs are thought patterns, evaluations, opinions, judgments and generalizations that you hold about yourself, and others. These beliefs can stem back to your early formative childhood years and have been stored there in your unconscious mind ever since. They can also be from experiences as a teenager, young adult or adult. Experiences with your parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, friends, social environment, from traumas, media influence or repetitive experiences add to the collection of information that forms these beliefs, be it negative or positive.

The Eyes See But It Is that The Mind Tells You What You See

The first law of perception is that the eyes see but it is the mind that tells you what you see. One of the reasons your mind tells us what we see, or perceive, is that the underlying beliefs tend to make you look for certain things. For example a cynic will see what he or she is looking for just as much as an optimist will see what he or she is looking for. Each chooses their experience from their beliefs. When you believe something to be true naturally you act as if it is. You bring on what you expect. (Think Placebo effect) If you continually act in ways that support negative beliefs, negative events tend to materialize. People are like magnets you attract what you believe.

To unlock your potential and be the person you know you are these limiting beliefs should be replaced with positive, empowering ones.

Change Takes Time, Repetition and Patience

Holding on to self limiting patterns ensures that your potential can never be reached. When you believe you can... you find the way forward, one small step at a time. Once you are 'wired' with positive, empowering beliefs you automatically set goals you know we can achieve and therefore be successful in reaching them. Empowering beliefs to encourage growth, which leads to change and a happy, successful and fulfilling life.

Take Stock of Your Thinking Patterns.

• Make a mental note of what thought keeps cropping up whenever you are struggling with something.
  
• Consider whether this thought is in your best interest.
  
• Find the best way forward to reframe/replace this thought that is holding you back. Think in terms of getting the virus out of the software!
• Know that "If you believe you can, or cannot - you are right!"

As an example: if you find 'I do not know how' keeps cropping up. Stop yourself, sit down and start thinking in terms of "If I did know how, what would I be doing differently?'" That is a good start to slowly changing from "I do not know how" to "I can figure this out'"