Passive Aggressive Behaviour! How to Deal with It

By Suzie Doscher

​Being subjected to passive aggressive behaviour from anybody, could be in a shop, at home, in school or at work can be not only confusing, but also hurtful and uncomfortable.
Frequently passive-aggressive behaviour and manner of speaking come from someone who has not learned how to express emotions, let alone negative ones. Instead of being in touch with their feelings, they redirect these emotions in a passive-aggressive manner. Sometimes the person is not even aware of this.
Obviously this is a generalization and in no way should be thought of as the truth for everybody who behaves passive-aggressively. Sometimes people are just having a bad day and letting it out with inconsiderate and disrespectful manners.

Common characteristics of passive-aggressive people:

• Difficulty explaining the reason for their anger; they might not even know what lies underneath it all
• Regular negative and aggressive behaviours
• Unreasonable
• Blaming others for personal failures
• Exaggerating the depth of problems
• Feeling unappreciated or misunderstood
• Negative, even when things are going well

 
Many cultures teach from a young age to suppress negative feelings, some even encourage to suppress all feelings and hide behind extreme politeness! Think of the famous 'stiff upper lip.' Not allowing your feelings to surface, as well as not expressing emotions. can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour. We are emotional beings -- we all have emotions, even if we do not always like what we are feeling.

Here are some helpful tips to deal with passive-aggressive people:

• The first step is not to allow yourself be drawn into a power struggle.
• You do this by noticing the other person's behaviour and finding a way to see it for what it is: uncalled for aggressive words or behaviour directed either at you or into the room.
• Attempt to 'ac, not react.' Buy yourself some time to understand what is going on. If it is too difficult to do so in that very moment, excuse yourself and find a place where you can stay for a few minutes to gather your thoughts. When and if at all possible, keep your distance from the person.
• If the person is a good friend or family member who is showing signs of frustration or annoyance, but claiming nothing is wrong, you can point out that their tone of voice and behaviour are communicating a different message. Maybe they will open up and tell you what is bothering them.
• If the situation allows, show empathy by reflecting his or her suppressed feelings. You do this by acknowledging that you heard what was said, e.g., "I understand you are upset about... That cannot be easy. What exactly would you like to be able to change about the situation, if you could?"
  
  

Remember, "You cannot change people but you can change how you react to them."

Reasons for passive aggressiveness are complex and deep-seated. It is not your responsibility to help or change the person. Focus on what you can influence -- your reaction.

If you have no choice but to interact on a regular basis with the person, attempt to put a stop to potentially damaging patterns as soon as possible. Tolerating passive-aggressive behaviour will only encourage it to continue.
 
Negative emotions leading to passive-aggressive behaviour are in fact the ones offering an opportunity to grow and change. If you find yourself behaving a little passive- aggressive yourself, see it as an opportunity to grow. This is a time when you can engage a life coach, a good book or the wisdom of a close friend.
In conclusion, although passive-aggressive people are not pleasant to deal with, there are actions you can take to not allow this behaviour to drain you.