by Suzie Doscher
The bottom line is to act, not react. Reacting rarely helps the situation. Taking some time to consider how you want to handle the issue and what you want to achieve is worthwhile thinking about. If someone has pushed one of your buttons it is good to remind yourself you cannot control how other people behave, but you can control how you react. Feeling affected by what other people do or say happens to everybody. Getting too upset or bothered about it drains your energy. This is a fairly normal human reaction. Steps You Can Take When Someone Has Pushed A Button:
Remember the bottom line is that you want to act, not react. Should you find yourself in the company of someone who continually pushes your buttons, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself, "Is this a person with whom I really want to continue spending time?" If the answer is no, figure out a compassionate way to disengage, if however it is a work colleague and you do not have the luxury of choice it is best to learn how to handle the moment. "We cannot change people, we can change how we react to them"
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by Suzie Doscher
I’ll tell you what I do. First of all, I allow myself to realize I am stressed and find a few minutes to STOP, BREATHE and ask myself: What is the actual problem that is stressing me right now? The important part of that question being the ‘right NOW.’ My usual answer is one or more of the following:
My next best step is to focus on what I can influence in this moment.
All in all my best solution is to accept that I am stressed, make the choice to do something about it, stop and figure out what. Sounds simple, and it is, but it does require that I consciously choose acceptance in the moment and then take the necessary actions. In the case where it is all too much, I simply force myself to stop, take a short walk or take some long, deep breaths. One way or another it is important to STOP MYSELF and therefore break the stressful energy of the moment. What do you do? www.balancebysuziedoscher.com by Suzie Doscher PSC So how are you doing with those New Year’s Resolutions? We are already past the half way mark for this year, so this a good time to reflect on what resolutions you made, what was difficult, what changed easily, what results did you achieve and how you are doing overall. I am not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions but agree it is a good time to consider a new beginning. I just happen to believe we can have a new beginning at any time of the year as long as we are ready to do the work. Neuroscience has proven that with practice and repetition the brain will rewire itself. In other words if you really want to change something YOU CAN. Starting on the path of personal growth and development rather than thinking in terms of New Year’s Resolutions offers you a new beginning on many levels. Life changes all the time, sometimes daily. During your lifetime you never stop growing, developing and learning, which of course means changing. If you resist this, you run the risk of staying stuck! On the path of personal growth each step you take results in change. Imagine climbing up a ladder. With each step your view changes and brings, a new perspective. If one of your habits is to say ‘yes’ even when you do not really want to, how about learning to get comfortable saying ‘no?’ It is not selfish to take better care of yourself! Taking better care of yourself allows you to take better care of others, BUT not at your expense. Personal growth and development involves making choices that are right for you. Here is how you do it Increase your awareness as to what needs to change by asking yourself these questions: What would make the biggest difference in my day-to-day life? What would make my life easier, more in line with my goals, my beliefs, my values, my purpose? Is it something at work, at home or in my relationship? What exactly would make me happier, energized, excited, motivated, and stimulated? If you are finding it difficult to work this out, think of one thing that would make a difference in your daily life and is easy to do such as:
Make good choices to ensure you get off to a good start:
88% of New Year’s Resolutions Fail According to the researcher Richard Wiseman, 88% of all resolutions set by Americans fail. This equals 156 million disappointed people. Get started today by making a list of ‘What has to change',
and Get in touch to talk about how you can make this happen. By Suzie Doscher Henry Ford so wisely stated: "If you believe you can, or cannot - you are right." In other words if you believe something to be true, then it is your truth. If you believe you cannot do something ... you cannot and therefore will most probably will not even try to find a way to do it. If however you believe you can figure something out ... most probably you will find a way. Your beliefs can be negative or positive, therefore they can limit or empower you. Not Quite the Person You Want to Be (but know you are inside) If you are not quite 'the person you want to be', then it pays off to find out if it is a thought (belief) that is holding you back. The thought could be anything from 'I do not know how', 'I do not have any support', 'I do not know where to start', 'I am uncertain about this,' etc. Beliefs are thought patterns, evaluations, opinions, judgments and generalizations that you hold about yourself, and others. These beliefs can stem back to your early formative childhood years and have been stored there in your unconscious mind ever since. They can also be from experiences as a teenager, young adult or adult. Experiences with your parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, friends, social environment, from traumas, media influence or repetitive experiences add to the collection of information that forms these beliefs, be it negative or positive. The Eyes See But It Is that The Mind Tells You What You See The first law of perception is that the eyes see but it is the mind that tells you what you see. One of the reasons your mind tells us what we see, or perceive, is that the underlying beliefs tend to make you look for certain things. For example a cynic will see what he or she is looking for just as much as an optimist will see what he or she is looking for. Each chooses their experience from their beliefs. When you believe something to be true naturally you act as if it is. You bring on what you expect. (Think Placebo effect) If you continually act in ways that support negative beliefs, negative events tend to materialize. People are like magnets you attract what you believe. To unlock your potential and be the person you know you are these limiting beliefs should be replaced with positive, empowering ones. Change Takes Time, Repetition and Patience Holding on to self limiting patterns ensures that your potential can never be reached. When you believe you can... you find the way forward, one small step at a time. Once you are 'wired' with positive, empowering beliefs you automatically set goals you know we can achieve and therefore be successful in reaching them. Empowering beliefs to encourage growth, which leads to change and a happy, successful and fulfilling life. Take Stock of Your Thinking Patterns.
As an example: if you find 'I do not know how' keeps cropping up. Stop yourself, sit down and start thinking in terms of "If I did know how, what would I be doing differently?'" That is a good start to slowly changing from "I do not know how" to "I can figure this out'" Check out Suzie's book 'BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments' Full of self coaching exercises to support you. by Suzie Doscher
Everyone experiences these two key feelings in life at some point or another: acceptance and rejection. Sometimes, you interpret the absence of one as being the other: if you are not accepted, you feel that you are being rejected and vice versa. Rejection is a feeling of loss and comes in many forms Being rejected, for whatever reason, is rarely an easy thing to experience. Rejection is a feeling of loss and comes in many forms. To name just a few: an idea you proposed that was not accepted, a relationship you were hoping to have, or one that has ended, being turned down when applying for a job, even not being allowed to communicate clearly. All of these experiences can bring up the feeling of rejection. Here are some tips for how to cope with those moments when you feel rejected: 1. Stay with your feelings of rejection and start from that place. Allow yourself to feel exactly what you are feeling. Cry if you need to or get angry if that is the emotion that surfaces. Whatever the emotion brewing inside, allow it to surface. 2. Focus closely on exactly what happened to make you feel this way. What did you experience that has left you with the feeling of rejection? 3. Do you feel you are losing anything by being rejected? Ask yourself what exactly you think you are you losing, if anything? Be specific and honest with yourself. Only in this manner will you progress away from feeling rejected. Make a list of what you feel you are losing, if only a mental one. 4. What will change in your life because of this rejection or loss? 5. Focus for a minute on what you do have rather than what you feel you do not have. What is working well? What have you achieved that you feel good about? Who is already in your life you are happy and proud of? 6. How can you help yourself see this rejection or loss differently, perhaps as an opportunity to self-reflect or to learn something? 7. For example, if you did not get the job, then might this be a chance to approach the job search differently? Is there something you can learn about yourself and how you are handling all of this? If you have been rejected in a relationship, what experiences can you take into the future? If your idea was rejected and you see that the idea was good but just presented badly or at the wrong time, how can it be improved upon? 8. Consider that perhaps there is something to be gained as a result of what happened. Perhaps the situation was simply not right for you and a better opportunity will be available in the future 9. Think about how you can move forward with your day. For example, take a walk or a bath, call a friend, or, even better, write down your feelings, thereby releasing some of those emotions. 10. Make your decision based on what will nourish you. Follow through with that walk, phone call, nap, bath, or even just a couple of deep breaths if there is no time for any of the other options. Feeling Rejected? is an excerpt from Suzie Doscher's book: BALANCE - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments' Reposted by Suzie Doscher:
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’ The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed.. ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn. Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend. by Suzie Doscher
Words of wisdom from Lao-Tzu. "One step at a time" is a phrase I find myself not only telling clients but also applying to my own life. It seems so obvious to break a plan of any kind, down into smaller steps and proceed to take one at a time and yet we can get overwhelmed by the task that needs completing. This of course wastes precious time and energy whereas if our first step was to break it down into smaller ones we would already be on our way to the desired goal. Next time you feel "Oh, I cannot handle this!" remind yourself to slow down, take a couple of deep breaths and work out what is the first thing you have to do ... and then the second ... and so forth. (Excerpt from "Balance - A Practical Handbook for Life's Difficult Moments" by Suzie Doscher to be published Spring 2014) First of all consider: What would make the biggest difference right now?
The only way to reach the top of a ladder is to take it step by step. The same is true of Personal Development. With every step the view will change. You will experience life differently. There is no way of knowing exactly what it will be like until you have done this. Life and all it encompasses change all the time, sometimes daily. Being patient and equally important flexibility is vital to your success. Were you designing a plan for your Personal Development, the following points would be central for you to consider:
by Suzie Doscher
“Challenges in life either do or do not have solutions. If there is a solution somewhere, then there is no need to be overwhelmed by the challenge. If there genuinely is no solution, then there is no point being overwhelmed by it.” If you genuinely believe there is a solution to every problem there is a greater likelihood that you will find the solution. Personally I believe “Where there is a will, there is a way”. I do not always find the way as soon as I had hoped for, sometimes this is due to lack motivation. I then remind myself that I know nothing stays the same therefore have nothing to fear. Things will change even if I do nothing. Obviously, I might not get the outcome I had hoped for but then again if I chose not to get myself motivated then that was my choice! When I find myself lacking motivation I either find someone to talk to or brainstorm with me, or I take any time pressure off myself and see what comes up on its own. Sometimes it is not the right time to deal with an issue, solve a work related problem, make a change or whatever the challenge is you might be facing. This does not mean you have given up on finding the solution, to me this means I am not in the right frame of mind, a strong enough emotional place or have enough time, to focus on resolving whatever requires attention. Really believing that you can find a solution to every problem gives you an advantage. This advantage is strength and personal power. You are more likely to overcome nearly all, if not all, the problems you are faced with. Sometimes the best solution is to walk away from something. If an issue overwhelms me, I break it down into smaller issues I can cope with. (This usually comes after I have cried!) I remember having to read through a rather large contract one day. The only way I could cope with it was to give myself permission to only HAVE TO read 5 pages in the morning and 5 in the afternoon. So, my solution was to break the reading down into smaller steps. So if you are fully convinced that a solution exists for every problem, then problems no longer feel like problems, instead they become tasks to deal with. Your thinking makes a world of difference in what you achieve. Comment by Suzie Doscher: Effective team building requires the soft skills offered under the heading EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. In the article below you will see how new studies are confirming this. Increasing the level of Emotional Intelligence in the workplace brings a healthier work environment. Leaders and employees alike gain the skills that allow them to express their needs more clearly. When the company knows what the teams need to function more smoothly, they know what has to be changed or offered.
Article by Kristian Sjøgren It is not a big workload that causes depression at work. An unfair boss and an unfair work environment are what really bring employees down, new study shows. The development of workplace depression has surprisingly little to do with work pressure. The sense of being treated unfairly by the boss, on the other hand, is closely associated with the risk of becoming depressed. A huge pile of unfinished work is not the main reason why employees become depressed, concludes an extensive new Danish study. Surprisingly, the study indicates that a heavy workload has no effect on whether or not employees become depressed. Instead, it is the work environment and the feeling of being treated unfairly by the management that has the greatest effect on an employee’s mood. ”We may have a tendency to associate depression and stress with work pressure and workload; however, our study shows that the workload actually has no effect on workplace depression,” says one of the researchers behind the new study, psychologist Matias Brødsgaard Grynderup, PhD, of the Department of Clinical Medicine at Aarhus University. ”This suggests that the risk of workplace depression cannot be minimised by changing the workload. Other factors are involved, and it is these factors that we should focus on in the future.” The findings were recently published in three articles in the scientific journalsOccupational and Environmental Medicine, Psychoneuroendocrinology and The Scandinavian Journal of Work, Environment & Health. A study of 4,500 public employeesThe researchers handed out questionnaires to 4,500 public employees at Danish schools, hospitals, nurseries, offices, etc. They also conducted personal interviews with most of the participants to determine who suffered from clinical depression. Our results actually show that high cortisol levels are associated with a low risk of developing depression. This means that we may be able to use cortisol measurements as an indicator of the risk of developing depression. Matias Brødsgaard Grynderup They also examined the concentrations of the stress hormone cortisol in the participants’ saliva. From the questionnaires, the researchers could determine the sense of justice that the employees felt in their workplaces. The feeling of justice in this context includes the feeling of being heard by one’s manager and the feeling of everyone being treated on equal terms in the workplace. Asked why people still tend to associate work pressure with depression, Grynderup says: “When high levels of work pressure and depression appear to be linked in people’s consciousness, it is not because a heavy workload increases the risk of depression. Or that’s not what we found in our study. Instead, depression can make work assignments appear insurmountable, even though the depression was not caused by the workload.” High cortisol levels do not cause depressionThe study also looked at the link between cortisol levels and the risk of developing depression. Previous studies have indicated a link between work pressure, high cortisol levels and the risk of developing clinical depression. The new study, however, points in the opposite direction: FactsThe Danish study differs from similar international studies in that the findings are not based on the individual’s experience of the work environment, but rather on the aggregate experience of the healthy employees in a given work department. In this way, the results are not affected by depressed employees who, as a result of their illness, often have a negatively tainted experience of their work environment. “Our results actually show that high cortisol levels are associated with a low risk of developing depression. This means that we may be able to use cortisol measurements as an indicator of the risk of developing depression.” How to avoid workplace depressionThe new findings can be used as a guide for future focus areas when stress and depression become a part of the workplace. The study suggests that looking at the employees’ own assessment of the work environment and possible changes to the work environment has a much better preventive effect on depression than reducing the workload. ”When the employees’ sense of justice plays such a central role in minimising the risk of depression, this is probably the area that the preventive work should focus on,” says Grynderup. “I recommend a management style in which there is a clearly expressed wish to treat employees properly – combined with a transparent organisational structure.” ------------------------ How to Regain Your Balance When Someone Has Pushed Your Buttons - 11 Helpful Steps To Take31/1/2014 By Suzie Doscher
When you find yourself feeling sensitive or getting upset with someone's behaviour towards you, it is safe to assume that one of our "buttons" has been pushed. At this point it is good to remind yourself that you cannot control how other people behave, but you CAN control how you react. Feeling affected by what other people do or say happens to everybody. Getting too upset or bothered about it drains your energy. This is a fairly normal human reaction. It is difficult not to react when someone has pushed one of your buttons. If you can recognize and accept in the moment that your peace of mind has been disturbed, you can then focus your efforts on returning to a better frame of mind. Always remember that your Number One Goal is to regain your peace of mind. The negative feelings or emotions that surface will pass like a wave, if you will allow them to move through. You can take a couple deep breaths, exhaling the bad vibe, then visualise putting the negative feelings in a boat and watching it drift away from you. Commit to restoring your balance and then do whatever it takes. 11 Steps You Can Take When Someone Has Pushed Your Buttons: 1. Acknowledge that, for whatever reason, you are feeling upset. It is okay to feel this way, do not deny yourself these feelings. 2. Assess what, if anything, you can do right now to help yourself. 3. Do you need some time out? Walk away for a couple of minutes? 4. Take a couple of deep breathes and let go of the negative emotions with each exhale. 5. You may need to say something that sets a boundary or expresses what you need. 6. Consider your response options and make sure you are ACTING not REACTING. 7. Make a mental list of your options. 8. Decide which one of these options feels best and would help you the most right now. 9. Decide what do you need to do next to follow through with the option you chose. 10. Proceed slowly. Remember that there may be nothing to do right now. 11. Appreciate that you have helped yourself find balance again. The bottom line is that you want to endeavour to act, not react. Should you find yourself in the company of someone who continually makes you lose your balance, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself, "Is this a person with whom I really want to continue spending time?" If the answer is no, figure out a compassionate way to disengage. By Suzie Doscher
"Life is difficult, the sooner we accept this, the easier it gets." That is the way the saying goes. Once we truly accept that life is difficult, we have automatically put ourselves into a place of more strength. It is all about knowing how to help ourselves in those difficult moments. During those times, the main objective is to get back to some kind of calm/strength as soon as possible. There are times when a little self pity can go a long way…and maybe we just need a little pity! At some point, however, we are well-advised to take charge again. Five of my favourite tools that support taking charge again are below. Sometimes it is as simple as just remembering these things. 1. Where there is a will, there IS a way. We CAN find the time to think about what to do and how to help the situation, if we really want to. 2. We always have CHOICE in the matter. There are two responses to every situation: a negative (disempowering) one or a positive (empowering) one. It is up to us to choose! 3. It IS possible to "reprogram" how we see things. With reframing, using positive affirmations, shedding self-imposed limits (also known as limiting beliefs), taking better care of ourselves (as opposed to everybody else first…), we can make changes. 4. We cannot change people, but we can change how we REACT to them. Accept and take a much closer look at what you can control and influence. In this case it is your own behaviour and reactions. 5. ONE STEP AT A TIME gets us up the ladder. This is the Old Faithful approach: breaking a problem down into smaller steps, then taking one step at a time. This allows us to live in the present day, not in the past or future. I only deal with what CAN be dealt with and thereby avoiding being overwhelmed. This small selection of tools will serve you through almost any difficulty. Which one you pick is up to you in the moment. “If you try you may fail, if you don't try you're guaranteed to fail” --Jesse Jackson |